Chasing Time

I missed myself.

I haven’t felt at home in three weeks.

I began my new job as a sales person three weeks ago.

I was eager, excited and determined.

I believed I had the personality, skill set and drive to do this job and do it well.

Low and behold after two weeks of training and a week cold calling prospects I have not made one sale.
I dream about work. I wake up every three hours at night. I am tightly wound.

With each “no” I began to lose hope in this new job.
I saw my eating disorder sneak its way back in.

My cold tendencies. Not wanting to eat. Cutting out pieces of my meal plan. A binge a week. The drinking increased.
The self-hate, the shame was so great.

I did not want to act this way but it was as though I had no control over the hole I was digging or the dark road I was traveling down.

I have been growing my mental game though. Really trying to hammer down that this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, that I’m not lost, that all of my work isn’t gone. It’s very hard to separate that though when 8 hours a day the thing I’m trying my hardest at—I’m completely failing.

When I’m in an environment where everyone is excelling and I’m faltering.

When I’m in a place that no one knows what I’ve been through. That I am battling a disease let alone try to make new friends and learn a new job.

I am putting a lot on this new position because I feel I have exhausted my efforts.

I feel there is nothing out there for me anymore.

I tried at zulily. Being a writer. And that was a depressing dark hole where I just fell. Kept trying to climb out and every time I grabbed ahold my grip slipped.

Then there was the cruise ship and that failed miserably.

I tried getting a writing job before this and I was denied.

I have tried this and clearly I’m failing.

I have no other skill set.

Nowhere on my resume can I put down the fact that I’m really good at eating disorder treatment and I could probably be your therapist. That I put myself through treatment twice.
“No ma’am I don’t have recruiting experience—however I can do yoga meditation after eating a giant burrito without crying.”

What I’ve spent most of my life efforts on is being thin—and then fixing that. I have not had the time, energy or opportunity to develop in any other ways and I feel so lost.

What do I do now? Where do I go? I feel that there is nothing left for me. And that is a really scary, sad, depressing place to be in.

I haven’t written in a very long time because I had convinced myself no one cared and that I was bad at writing. However as soon as Chasing Time by Vicetone, Daniel Gidlund came on it was like I was home. The music moved through my brain, caught my senses and hit my heart. I felt whole again. I had the urge to write.

This is the only thing that gives me hope that I matter—that I have a place in this world. But I have no idea what that looks like, where that is or what it entails doing. Just knowing that there’s a comfort like this that exists is well comforting.

Ironically the song that inspired me to write says:

“If we could drive the words we say

Every single line would lead the way.” – Which to me is like I should just listen to what I’m typing, what I am saying to myself. My heart speaks to me so authentically when I write and I’ve been denying it the option to talk because I was afraid of facing the pain that comes with the shame from failing at this job.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time.

Can't afford to lose velocity

When you’re going places never seen. “ – So I feel like I am losing time, I have to figure out my life now. I have to know what the right path is for me and I can’t afford to slow down so my anxiety is getting the best of me.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time, chasing time. “

“Hold on to me” – I know my higher power speaks to me through music and she’s saying just listen, listen to my omens.

“As we're trading precious time for something new.” – While I feel like I’m throwing my time away on something that isn’t for me I’m just getting closer to finding out what’s right for me.

“Hold on to me

We'll be writing every line while rushing through.” – The we’ll is key here she’s saying she’s with me while I go through this.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

My energy and confusion and anger is too much for my body and mind to handle.
So I have my headphones on and this is pumping into my ears.

Nails to skin.

Mouth opens wide.

Silent screams.

No air. 

No relief.

Build. 

Suffocate.

Tears flow.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

Reverberate.

Movement.

Silhouette of myself.

All I can do is pulse.

Figure infatuated.

Close my eyes and I'm gone.

No body.

My pain envelopes me.

Warm water drips down my cheeks.

I'm still human.

Powerless fall in love.

Release.

Scratches. Delayed sense of hurt.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Numb.

Tidal Wave, Sub Focus - Collide

Every time I hear the seeming heartbeat of "Tidal Wave's" intro I smile.

I say the words, "You can't just give it away like it means nothing." Before she sings them.

And my mind takes me back to being on the hill of Paradiso--I so cool (the more you read the more you'll discover I'm incredibly sarcastic) that I had my boyfriend take a picture of me when Sub Focus played it so I could remember exactly when and where I was when I saw, felt, experienced this song live.

I had been playing it repeatedly in my headphones for weeks straight (and still do on my morning play list) when I had listened to the words.

Music helps me express the mess that is inside me. It puts words to the tangle that's within my head.

And after a major event that so plainly showed I needed to stop disrespecting my body with my eating disorder, and excessive drinking. I hear:

You can't just give it away
Like it means nothing
Love isn't this game where
You win something

I was throwing my body, my looks and my self respect around like it was--well nothing. Flaunting it, dressing it up, putting a price on it--that kept getting lower. A compliment, a free drink, asking me for a picture, a smile--and you had me. I was yours. Give me more, all I wanted was your approval because I could not find it within myself.

Oh and then Sub Focus you spell it out for me:

 

I'm tired of being 
On the outside 
I wanna know 
What it's like 

I'm tired of seeing 
All the sights
I wanna feel
Us collide

I've felt most of my time in recovery that I'm on the other side of the glass. Here I am, the problem (that may be part of the problem--thinking I'm a problem) and the solution is on the other side. I clearly see the issue and I clearly see the answer, but there is seemly no way to get to the other side. And I'm taunted because it is RIGHT THERE. People have their opinions. They tell me what's 'wrong' with me, what my fears are, what I have to get over, what I should do and it's like I go numb, I stop, I freeze upon getting to the doing part, the fixing part. And it is so incredibly frustrating. All I want to do is break through that glass and collide with the answer, real me.

I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to be her. I want to collide--to be jolted awake. To live.

Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 
Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 

And then the lyrics start to answer my question as how to break free: LOVE. Give myself grace, and understanding. Embrace, trust the process. Bask in it. In the struggle, in the fight, in the beauty of the mess--of recovery. And it says "I FEEL the impact" that's what I said I wanted wasn't it? TO FEEL.

All the games we play
You're fooling nobody 
If it makes you feel good
When you're hurting somebody 

This part reminds me of how fucking tricky ED can be. He / she / it whatever you reference yours as, can be so damn manipulative. They fuck with our heads. Make us so uncomfortable as we move forward in our journey. When we eat it's wrong, when we don't eat they guilt us, when we workout for the 'right' amount of time it's not enough, when we stop we're 'going to get fat'. When we ask for help 'we are a burden' when we don't they suck us back down. But the lyrics state it plainly (which so many times is exactly what I need) "you're fooling nobody". 

You know your authentic self. I know it gets so confusing and sometimes it feels like you don't know what's you, your ed or recovery but just take a step back. You can do this. 

I've been in quite the funk lately and not writing but this is one of my best outlets and I need it and I need you to help continue on the right path. No matter how slow I move as long as I'm moving forward that's all that matters. And I'll break that glass soon enough.

Just keep loving and keep fighting.