Wake Me Up - Avicii

When I first heard--and up until about three minutes ago--I hated Avicii's Wake Me Up.
Country? No thank you.
The lyrics? I didn't get it.
But the video-hit me hard.
A coworker just shared it with me randomly after a meeting.
And I'm so happy she did.

The country with the lyrics and the video--NOW it all makes sense. And now I'm holding back tears at my desk.
Side note: I feel Avicii picked the location of their "awakening" to be UMF just for me because that's where I had mine.

3 years ago I lived in a world where people were mean.
Everyone was against me.
I had to protect myself.
I had to perfect myself.
Nothing was enough.
I was not good enough.

I didn't know that another world existed. Another way of life. Until I went to Ultra Miami 2012.

Thin as all hell, driven by a self-hatred so deep it consumed my thoughts and I couldn't separate a good day from a bad one, I traveled to South Beach having no idea what was about to happen. I was sober at the time and exposed to drugs, drinking, and partying on another level.



I was scared, I was uptight, I was confused. How do people do this? Rigid, tight, and frozen I went through the first couple of days of Miami Music Week mostly miserable.

And then I walked into Ultra and I saw bodies of all kinds. I was smiled at by girls that I were sure should glare at me. I was offered food, kandi, water, and genuine kindness. What did they want I thought. This can't be real. And slowly I softened. My heart opened to the idea that people can be inherently good, that I could not only receive their kindness but that I deserved it.

Wake Me Up tells my story to a "T". I didn't know I was lost. I felt so out of place for so long. I was surviving through life, not living it. But at UMF for the first time I felt at home.

Once I had a taste of PLURR and electronic music I couldn't stop. I came home with my kandi, my bracelets, my tan and my new attitude and I wanted everyone to know--THE WORLD IS NOT SCARY.

And that's something I've lost sight of this past year. Not always but overall yes. I've been hardened again by traumatic experiences, being a grown up, and caught up in myself. And I feel so blessed that today, on the day I get to see Kaskade on his Automatic Tour, that I was reminded what this music really means to me.

My mindset was all about how I would look, who I would see, would I get home at a decent hour for work tomorrow. And now I just can't wait to be surrounded by likeminded people who are looking for the same thing I am: peace, love, unity, and respect.

Crizzly’s Real Thugz Tour: Expect the Unexpected

Crizzly's Real Thugz Tour - Ya that's thugs with a Z.
Photo Credit: Merc Photography

When I came face-to-face with Chris Marshall, better known as Crizzly, after his Real Thugz Tour stop in Portland I was shoulder to shoulder with selfie-hungry fans.

With beats that make you bounce, an abundance of energy, and a determination to get turnt, the crunkstep king attracts those who want to not just party—but fucking rage.

Antiserum and LAXX have softer hearts than their music suggests.

The Austin-based DJ wore a “Dope” hat, gold chain and personality to match. I quickly yelled out, “Can you describe the show in two words?” He coolly answered, “trippy…booty,” before being grabbed by three girls in bedazzled bras, fishnets, and booty shorts.

The DJ grabbed the sold out crowd’s attention with a casual, “How's it going? My name is Crizzly and were about to fuck shit up.” 

His music is just as big as his personality, having remixed some of the biggest names in hip-hop and worked with influential producers like Bassnectar and Excision throughout his growing career. Rappers like Waka, Lil’ Flip and A$AP Rocky are among those songs he’s morphed into electronic bangers over the years.

Photo Credit: Merc Photography

 “With hard-hitting dubstep intertwined with a strong hip-hop presence he makes us feel like we can dance,” yelled Texas native Ian Hopkins who feels a sense of sense of pride watching the DJ come up from shows in his hometown. “He was crazy back then, but I haven’t seen anything like this.”

While Steve Aoki throws cakes, Crizzly throws pizza. He encourages mosh pits (while simultaneously making sure the ladies are looked out for), crowd surfing, and booty bouncing with the help of his energized MC.

Photo Credit: Merc Photography

Tall in stature and personality, the 6-foot something stage presence had the crowd mesmerized with his buldging eyes, nonstop commentary, and unwavering energy. I couldn’t help but mimic his moves and excitement, when he told us to throw our middle fingers up that’s what we fucking did.

Antiserum with LAXX
Photo Credit: Merc Photography

LAXX and Antiserum

After my short-lived interview with Crizzly I turned to dubstep producer, LAXX from across the pond. He charmed me with his accent but I really swooned when he pulled his third musketeer, Antiserum, into a hug (there's just something about a sense of humor). After happily snapping some pictures for me LAXX went onto describe their Portland show as, “Dope, one of the best of the tour hands down. You guys kept up the hype.”

The trio are a complimentary pairing of bass, dubstep, and personality. LAXX has taken the electronic world by storm with his unique twisting of bass music, called Twitch, with support from DJs like Skrillex and Knife Party as a part of Never Say Die Records. Antiserum who played along with his tour mate’s humor posing for a photo, was surprisingly friendly after playing a set that had our brains ricocheting in our heads with his bassy, hip-hop inspired music.

The party started for these three way before the show however, Crizzly throwing a pizza party for 12 lucky fans who got the invite through Twitter. One of those fans was Zach Redmond who donned a pizza costume for the show, which Crizzly of course signed. 

Real Thugz Tour is bouncing around the US bringing pizza parties and snapbacks back with an unprecedented swagger. Support Crizzly and his tour by seeing if he’s in your neighborhood next. Until then get your own taste for his genre bending remixes here.

Relive Your Festival - Be Safe In Sound

Please listen to Safe And Sound by Capital Cities while reading. (Yes I know it's safe AND sound but for all purposes safe IN sound worked better for me)

Racing, spinning, ripping.
Stop thinking, stop thinking.
Imploding.
Regret.
Shame.
I can't take it.

I hear a familiar sound, I throw my headphones on.


The goosebumps rise.
I can't help but move.
I close my eyes and my desk fades away along with my problems.
I am immersed in light.
The sun is warm.
The sky blue.
A rainbow of neon surrounds me.
I am experiencing every festival I've been to at once.
I can feel the elation of my spirit rise with the tempo.
In my head I'm jumping to the beat.
You are one with me.
Hearts synchronized with the music.
I am by myself but I do not feel alone.
I smile. I can't stop smiling.
I scream as the beat drops.
Releasing energy into the crowd.
I move to the music.
I move with you.
We are so alive in this moment.
The memories feel so real.
My heart races as though I'm there.
I see strangers, no--I see friends.
We understand each other.
As the music understands me.
I open my eyes.
The anxiety is gone.
I am centered.
I am safe in sound.

Chasing Time

I missed myself.

I haven’t felt at home in three weeks.

I began my new job as a sales person three weeks ago.

I was eager, excited and determined.

I believed I had the personality, skill set and drive to do this job and do it well.

Low and behold after two weeks of training and a week cold calling prospects I have not made one sale.
I dream about work. I wake up every three hours at night. I am tightly wound.

With each “no” I began to lose hope in this new job.
I saw my eating disorder sneak its way back in.

My cold tendencies. Not wanting to eat. Cutting out pieces of my meal plan. A binge a week. The drinking increased.
The self-hate, the shame was so great.

I did not want to act this way but it was as though I had no control over the hole I was digging or the dark road I was traveling down.

I have been growing my mental game though. Really trying to hammer down that this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, that I’m not lost, that all of my work isn’t gone. It’s very hard to separate that though when 8 hours a day the thing I’m trying my hardest at—I’m completely failing.

When I’m in an environment where everyone is excelling and I’m faltering.

When I’m in a place that no one knows what I’ve been through. That I am battling a disease let alone try to make new friends and learn a new job.

I am putting a lot on this new position because I feel I have exhausted my efforts.

I feel there is nothing out there for me anymore.

I tried at zulily. Being a writer. And that was a depressing dark hole where I just fell. Kept trying to climb out and every time I grabbed ahold my grip slipped.

Then there was the cruise ship and that failed miserably.

I tried getting a writing job before this and I was denied.

I have tried this and clearly I’m failing.

I have no other skill set.

Nowhere on my resume can I put down the fact that I’m really good at eating disorder treatment and I could probably be your therapist. That I put myself through treatment twice.
“No ma’am I don’t have recruiting experience—however I can do yoga meditation after eating a giant burrito without crying.”

What I’ve spent most of my life efforts on is being thin—and then fixing that. I have not had the time, energy or opportunity to develop in any other ways and I feel so lost.

What do I do now? Where do I go? I feel that there is nothing left for me. And that is a really scary, sad, depressing place to be in.

I haven’t written in a very long time because I had convinced myself no one cared and that I was bad at writing. However as soon as Chasing Time by Vicetone, Daniel Gidlund came on it was like I was home. The music moved through my brain, caught my senses and hit my heart. I felt whole again. I had the urge to write.

This is the only thing that gives me hope that I matter—that I have a place in this world. But I have no idea what that looks like, where that is or what it entails doing. Just knowing that there’s a comfort like this that exists is well comforting.

Ironically the song that inspired me to write says:

“If we could drive the words we say

Every single line would lead the way.” – Which to me is like I should just listen to what I’m typing, what I am saying to myself. My heart speaks to me so authentically when I write and I’ve been denying it the option to talk because I was afraid of facing the pain that comes with the shame from failing at this job.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time.

Can't afford to lose velocity

When you’re going places never seen. “ – So I feel like I am losing time, I have to figure out my life now. I have to know what the right path is for me and I can’t afford to slow down so my anxiety is getting the best of me.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time, chasing time. “

“Hold on to me” – I know my higher power speaks to me through music and she’s saying just listen, listen to my omens.

“As we're trading precious time for something new.” – While I feel like I’m throwing my time away on something that isn’t for me I’m just getting closer to finding out what’s right for me.

“Hold on to me

We'll be writing every line while rushing through.” – The we’ll is key here she’s saying she’s with me while I go through this.

I'm Avoiding A Binge. The Flvar Blue Edition.

I'm avoiding a binge by putting on my Panasonic headphones and listening to The Flavr Blue on repeat.

I have fought this urge all day.

I was so proud I didn't give into the voices.

"You'll start fresh tomorrow."

"You're just having a rough time now. It's ok."
"It'll be a small binge, not as bad as the others. It's ok."

I fought the strongest wave of ED at 3:30 PM today thanks to a multitude of things.

I want to justify that it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to take down an addiction.

But mostly I'm finding it takes a power greater than myself.
And I call that The Universe.

The Universe had my mom call at just the right time when I was thinking of what food I would eat. 

It reminded me of the laundry I had to get from downstairs.

Of the gym that isn't so far way where I could escape with my music (follow my soundcloud).

But I also want and need to give credit to myself.

It took a lot to be in a place where I could listen. And see.

I got to the gym where my higher power put a friend who just so happened to need a friend to workout with. A friend who I've been nerdily wanting to grow a relationship with. She's just so awkward and cool.

I came home proud, satisfied and ravished. Ate. Normally. Fuck you eating disorder.

A friend asked me to hang out later.

I see you Universe. I hear you.

Yes. Yes I will.

I will slowly step through my life. I will navigate each movement and decision with caution because I don't know what's true or false right now. Addiction and disease are so simultaneously meshed into my system it's hard to make decisions. 

And then I hang out with my friend. We go to a great restaurant. Where I wear perfume like an adult and lipstick like a child.

And we talk and we laugh and we relate.

And now I'm here with a growling stomach and a tired mind that this I have something to say.

I guess the point is, to all you other bulimics, it's worth the wait. Just those two extra seconds. Where you think it's not going to go away. The urge to be free. To be light. To be weightless. To be hollow. To numb. 

Moments ago I ate two M&M cookies and some chips. And I talked myself out of a binge and of purging. Because I know who I'm letting down--me. I don't want food to control me anymore. I want me to control me--or well navigate me through this life. I want the freedom to feel, to be. And that's what recovery gives me.

I don't give a flying fuck if no one reads this. No that's a lie I want to help people. But I just was able to calm myself down out of a binge. And that's amazing. No one else understand but us how hard it is to eat a meal, keep it down and move on. How each grocery visit, restaurant reservation and party sends a chill of fear into us but I want this to be a place where I can and you can revel in your victories because they are not small, they are to be celebrated.

Pre Paradiso 2014

So now that I've written my first post and I'm about to drive my rave booty out to Paradiso at The Gorge, WA I want to say something super profound but all I can do is smile. And repeatedly say I'm so fucking excited.

It's the kind of smile that comes out only when you're on your rave eve and your heart stops and your stomach drops and you can feel the vibes coming on. For once the unknown isn't scary.

My anxiety with a break up, my friend committing suicide, unemployment and freaking out over figuring out who I am has led to many sleepless nights and glue gunning.

This is the first time I've really created my own outfits. I put myself into them rather than being influenced to dress so guys will tell me I'm hot and to see how many girls I can make jealous. I'm wearing what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. And honestly I'm really proud of what I've done.

I guess that's the theme and mentality I'm going into Paradiso with--being proud of what I've done with myself. Proud of who I am and how far I've come. 

In the past I have gotten black out drunk, run around half dressed just craving attention and someone to tell me what I can't tell myself--that I'm ok, that I'm enough, that I'm more than ok just being me. 

This community at first confused me. I saw all the beautiful people and their bodies and I thought "I have so much work to do." I was envious, I compared, I judged. And now as I really try to live by my values and PLUR I realize that's not what it's about at all, it's about appreciating who they are, their uniqueness, and what they have to offer the world--and what I do too.

It's about being there in that moment with so many other people for pure enjoyment.

I have not seen my life as one to enjoy. Rather one to survive. Using my ED to cope.

Always striving to be skinnier, smarter, prettier or more popular in order to feel ok and safe.

I was never in the moment, I was somewhere in my head.

And this weekend I cannot wait to be submerged into a world where it's all about being in the now.

I should say I've got A&B in my ears right now so I'm really just vibing.

EDM has allowed me to "make love where there was none." Ah.

I am so excited to experience Paradiso in recovery and in turn get to experience and know myself.

Hi. I'm Kris.

Hi. Thank you for reading <3

This blog has been in the making since I entered the PLUR world of Ultra Music Festival in 2012.

I was an anorexic bulimic, depressed, scared and waiting for someone to tell me who I was.

And during those three days a lot of someones did. Or rather, helped show me who they were so I could see the beauty in myself.

From the girls that walked around so comfortable in their (very bare) skin, to the boys that complimented me to the kandi I received. And the smiles I got for just being me. And the vibrations of the music that awoke something in me that I didn't know existed. And Group Therapy-oh you know what I mean.

That blur of sober (yes sober) partying, dancing, living and loving turned me onto something that I didn't think existed in this world.

Love.

And ever since then I've been on my journey to recover from my eating disorder and it's been one hell of a ride.

I'm here to share how EDM is saving my life one bass drop at a time.
To give encouragement to other girls in the community.
To show others what I believe the scene is about and can do for people--eating disorder or not.

So just so we're fully acquainted here's me at UMF:

I knew who Skrillex was and that neon was cool and that girls wore headbands the wrong way:

(I mean I even bought a YOLO tank)

I was in AA trying to figure out my relationships with substances and unknowingly my overall impulse control issues. I was actively engaging in restricting and purging and over exercising. I hated what I looked like and longed to feel ok in my ok skin. I had tried Overeaters Anonymous and that helped me feel less alone but I was still so lost.

At UMF I watched others experiment, rave, rage and I drank and insane amount of caffeine. I loved this world that seemed so happy, loving, easy and yet so unattainable.

And here I am now, just out of out patient from The Emily Program in Seattle, I have not binged or purged or restricted in 18 days straight and have come light years from that girl who wore her first fluffies.

I'm not cured, I'm not perfect, but I'm a hell of a lot happier, healthier and whole.

My hope for this blog is it to be a place where you all can come to relate, vent, listen and learn. I can help offer coping skills, perspective on body image, the industry and I don't know what else! I'm just really excited to start this endeavor.

Follow my instagram: kris_wilhelmy

Follow my twitter: @EDm_Recovery