Wake Me Up - Avicii

When I first heard--and up until about three minutes ago--I hated Avicii's Wake Me Up.
Country? No thank you.
The lyrics? I didn't get it.
But the video-hit me hard.
A coworker just shared it with me randomly after a meeting.
And I'm so happy she did.

The country with the lyrics and the video--NOW it all makes sense. And now I'm holding back tears at my desk.
Side note: I feel Avicii picked the location of their "awakening" to be UMF just for me because that's where I had mine.

3 years ago I lived in a world where people were mean.
Everyone was against me.
I had to protect myself.
I had to perfect myself.
Nothing was enough.
I was not good enough.

I didn't know that another world existed. Another way of life. Until I went to Ultra Miami 2012.

Thin as all hell, driven by a self-hatred so deep it consumed my thoughts and I couldn't separate a good day from a bad one, I traveled to South Beach having no idea what was about to happen. I was sober at the time and exposed to drugs, drinking, and partying on another level.



I was scared, I was uptight, I was confused. How do people do this? Rigid, tight, and frozen I went through the first couple of days of Miami Music Week mostly miserable.

And then I walked into Ultra and I saw bodies of all kinds. I was smiled at by girls that I were sure should glare at me. I was offered food, kandi, water, and genuine kindness. What did they want I thought. This can't be real. And slowly I softened. My heart opened to the idea that people can be inherently good, that I could not only receive their kindness but that I deserved it.

Wake Me Up tells my story to a "T". I didn't know I was lost. I felt so out of place for so long. I was surviving through life, not living it. But at UMF for the first time I felt at home.

Once I had a taste of PLURR and electronic music I couldn't stop. I came home with my kandi, my bracelets, my tan and my new attitude and I wanted everyone to know--THE WORLD IS NOT SCARY.

And that's something I've lost sight of this past year. Not always but overall yes. I've been hardened again by traumatic experiences, being a grown up, and caught up in myself. And I feel so blessed that today, on the day I get to see Kaskade on his Automatic Tour, that I was reminded what this music really means to me.

My mindset was all about how I would look, who I would see, would I get home at a decent hour for work tomorrow. And now I just can't wait to be surrounded by likeminded people who are looking for the same thing I am: peace, love, unity, and respect.

I'm Avoiding A Binge. The Flvar Blue Edition.

I'm avoiding a binge by putting on my Panasonic headphones and listening to The Flavr Blue on repeat.

I have fought this urge all day.

I was so proud I didn't give into the voices.

"You'll start fresh tomorrow."

"You're just having a rough time now. It's ok."
"It'll be a small binge, not as bad as the others. It's ok."

I fought the strongest wave of ED at 3:30 PM today thanks to a multitude of things.

I want to justify that it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to take down an addiction.

But mostly I'm finding it takes a power greater than myself.
And I call that The Universe.

The Universe had my mom call at just the right time when I was thinking of what food I would eat. 

It reminded me of the laundry I had to get from downstairs.

Of the gym that isn't so far way where I could escape with my music (follow my soundcloud).

But I also want and need to give credit to myself.

It took a lot to be in a place where I could listen. And see.

I got to the gym where my higher power put a friend who just so happened to need a friend to workout with. A friend who I've been nerdily wanting to grow a relationship with. She's just so awkward and cool.

I came home proud, satisfied and ravished. Ate. Normally. Fuck you eating disorder.

A friend asked me to hang out later.

I see you Universe. I hear you.

Yes. Yes I will.

I will slowly step through my life. I will navigate each movement and decision with caution because I don't know what's true or false right now. Addiction and disease are so simultaneously meshed into my system it's hard to make decisions. 

And then I hang out with my friend. We go to a great restaurant. Where I wear perfume like an adult and lipstick like a child.

And we talk and we laugh and we relate.

And now I'm here with a growling stomach and a tired mind that this I have something to say.

I guess the point is, to all you other bulimics, it's worth the wait. Just those two extra seconds. Where you think it's not going to go away. The urge to be free. To be light. To be weightless. To be hollow. To numb. 

Moments ago I ate two M&M cookies and some chips. And I talked myself out of a binge and of purging. Because I know who I'm letting down--me. I don't want food to control me anymore. I want me to control me--or well navigate me through this life. I want the freedom to feel, to be. And that's what recovery gives me.

I don't give a flying fuck if no one reads this. No that's a lie I want to help people. But I just was able to calm myself down out of a binge. And that's amazing. No one else understand but us how hard it is to eat a meal, keep it down and move on. How each grocery visit, restaurant reservation and party sends a chill of fear into us but I want this to be a place where I can and you can revel in your victories because they are not small, they are to be celebrated.

Pre Paradiso 2014

So now that I've written my first post and I'm about to drive my rave booty out to Paradiso at The Gorge, WA I want to say something super profound but all I can do is smile. And repeatedly say I'm so fucking excited.

It's the kind of smile that comes out only when you're on your rave eve and your heart stops and your stomach drops and you can feel the vibes coming on. For once the unknown isn't scary.

My anxiety with a break up, my friend committing suicide, unemployment and freaking out over figuring out who I am has led to many sleepless nights and glue gunning.

This is the first time I've really created my own outfits. I put myself into them rather than being influenced to dress so guys will tell me I'm hot and to see how many girls I can make jealous. I'm wearing what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. And honestly I'm really proud of what I've done.

I guess that's the theme and mentality I'm going into Paradiso with--being proud of what I've done with myself. Proud of who I am and how far I've come. 

In the past I have gotten black out drunk, run around half dressed just craving attention and someone to tell me what I can't tell myself--that I'm ok, that I'm enough, that I'm more than ok just being me. 

This community at first confused me. I saw all the beautiful people and their bodies and I thought "I have so much work to do." I was envious, I compared, I judged. And now as I really try to live by my values and PLUR I realize that's not what it's about at all, it's about appreciating who they are, their uniqueness, and what they have to offer the world--and what I do too.

It's about being there in that moment with so many other people for pure enjoyment.

I have not seen my life as one to enjoy. Rather one to survive. Using my ED to cope.

Always striving to be skinnier, smarter, prettier or more popular in order to feel ok and safe.

I was never in the moment, I was somewhere in my head.

And this weekend I cannot wait to be submerged into a world where it's all about being in the now.

I should say I've got A&B in my ears right now so I'm really just vibing.

EDM has allowed me to "make love where there was none." Ah.

I am so excited to experience Paradiso in recovery and in turn get to experience and know myself.

Hi. I'm Kris.

Hi. Thank you for reading <3

This blog has been in the making since I entered the PLUR world of Ultra Music Festival in 2012.

I was an anorexic bulimic, depressed, scared and waiting for someone to tell me who I was.

And during those three days a lot of someones did. Or rather, helped show me who they were so I could see the beauty in myself.

From the girls that walked around so comfortable in their (very bare) skin, to the boys that complimented me to the kandi I received. And the smiles I got for just being me. And the vibrations of the music that awoke something in me that I didn't know existed. And Group Therapy-oh you know what I mean.

That blur of sober (yes sober) partying, dancing, living and loving turned me onto something that I didn't think existed in this world.

Love.

And ever since then I've been on my journey to recover from my eating disorder and it's been one hell of a ride.

I'm here to share how EDM is saving my life one bass drop at a time.
To give encouragement to other girls in the community.
To show others what I believe the scene is about and can do for people--eating disorder or not.

So just so we're fully acquainted here's me at UMF:

I knew who Skrillex was and that neon was cool and that girls wore headbands the wrong way:

(I mean I even bought a YOLO tank)

I was in AA trying to figure out my relationships with substances and unknowingly my overall impulse control issues. I was actively engaging in restricting and purging and over exercising. I hated what I looked like and longed to feel ok in my ok skin. I had tried Overeaters Anonymous and that helped me feel less alone but I was still so lost.

At UMF I watched others experiment, rave, rage and I drank and insane amount of caffeine. I loved this world that seemed so happy, loving, easy and yet so unattainable.

And here I am now, just out of out patient from The Emily Program in Seattle, I have not binged or purged or restricted in 18 days straight and have come light years from that girl who wore her first fluffies.

I'm not cured, I'm not perfect, but I'm a hell of a lot happier, healthier and whole.

My hope for this blog is it to be a place where you all can come to relate, vent, listen and learn. I can help offer coping skills, perspective on body image, the industry and I don't know what else! I'm just really excited to start this endeavor.

Follow my instagram: kris_wilhelmy

Follow my twitter: @EDm_Recovery