Wake Me Up - Avicii

When I first heard--and up until about three minutes ago--I hated Avicii's Wake Me Up.
Country? No thank you.
The lyrics? I didn't get it.
But the video-hit me hard.
A coworker just shared it with me randomly after a meeting.
And I'm so happy she did.

The country with the lyrics and the video--NOW it all makes sense. And now I'm holding back tears at my desk.
Side note: I feel Avicii picked the location of their "awakening" to be UMF just for me because that's where I had mine.

3 years ago I lived in a world where people were mean.
Everyone was against me.
I had to protect myself.
I had to perfect myself.
Nothing was enough.
I was not good enough.

I didn't know that another world existed. Another way of life. Until I went to Ultra Miami 2012.

Thin as all hell, driven by a self-hatred so deep it consumed my thoughts and I couldn't separate a good day from a bad one, I traveled to South Beach having no idea what was about to happen. I was sober at the time and exposed to drugs, drinking, and partying on another level.



I was scared, I was uptight, I was confused. How do people do this? Rigid, tight, and frozen I went through the first couple of days of Miami Music Week mostly miserable.

And then I walked into Ultra and I saw bodies of all kinds. I was smiled at by girls that I were sure should glare at me. I was offered food, kandi, water, and genuine kindness. What did they want I thought. This can't be real. And slowly I softened. My heart opened to the idea that people can be inherently good, that I could not only receive their kindness but that I deserved it.

Wake Me Up tells my story to a "T". I didn't know I was lost. I felt so out of place for so long. I was surviving through life, not living it. But at UMF for the first time I felt at home.

Once I had a taste of PLURR and electronic music I couldn't stop. I came home with my kandi, my bracelets, my tan and my new attitude and I wanted everyone to know--THE WORLD IS NOT SCARY.

And that's something I've lost sight of this past year. Not always but overall yes. I've been hardened again by traumatic experiences, being a grown up, and caught up in myself. And I feel so blessed that today, on the day I get to see Kaskade on his Automatic Tour, that I was reminded what this music really means to me.

My mindset was all about how I would look, who I would see, would I get home at a decent hour for work tomorrow. And now I just can't wait to be surrounded by likeminded people who are looking for the same thing I am: peace, love, unity, and respect.

Crizzly’s Real Thugz Tour: Expect the Unexpected

Crizzly's Real Thugz Tour - Ya that's thugs with a Z.
Photo Credit: Merc Photography

When I came face-to-face with Chris Marshall, better known as Crizzly, after his Real Thugz Tour stop in Portland I was shoulder to shoulder with selfie-hungry fans.

With beats that make you bounce, an abundance of energy, and a determination to get turnt, the crunkstep king attracts those who want to not just party—but fucking rage.

Antiserum and LAXX have softer hearts than their music suggests.

The Austin-based DJ wore a “Dope” hat, gold chain and personality to match. I quickly yelled out, “Can you describe the show in two words?” He coolly answered, “trippy…booty,” before being grabbed by three girls in bedazzled bras, fishnets, and booty shorts.

The DJ grabbed the sold out crowd’s attention with a casual, “How's it going? My name is Crizzly and were about to fuck shit up.” 

His music is just as big as his personality, having remixed some of the biggest names in hip-hop and worked with influential producers like Bassnectar and Excision throughout his growing career. Rappers like Waka, Lil’ Flip and A$AP Rocky are among those songs he’s morphed into electronic bangers over the years.

Photo Credit: Merc Photography

 “With hard-hitting dubstep intertwined with a strong hip-hop presence he makes us feel like we can dance,” yelled Texas native Ian Hopkins who feels a sense of sense of pride watching the DJ come up from shows in his hometown. “He was crazy back then, but I haven’t seen anything like this.”

While Steve Aoki throws cakes, Crizzly throws pizza. He encourages mosh pits (while simultaneously making sure the ladies are looked out for), crowd surfing, and booty bouncing with the help of his energized MC.

Photo Credit: Merc Photography

Tall in stature and personality, the 6-foot something stage presence had the crowd mesmerized with his buldging eyes, nonstop commentary, and unwavering energy. I couldn’t help but mimic his moves and excitement, when he told us to throw our middle fingers up that’s what we fucking did.

Antiserum with LAXX
Photo Credit: Merc Photography

LAXX and Antiserum

After my short-lived interview with Crizzly I turned to dubstep producer, LAXX from across the pond. He charmed me with his accent but I really swooned when he pulled his third musketeer, Antiserum, into a hug (there's just something about a sense of humor). After happily snapping some pictures for me LAXX went onto describe their Portland show as, “Dope, one of the best of the tour hands down. You guys kept up the hype.”

The trio are a complimentary pairing of bass, dubstep, and personality. LAXX has taken the electronic world by storm with his unique twisting of bass music, called Twitch, with support from DJs like Skrillex and Knife Party as a part of Never Say Die Records. Antiserum who played along with his tour mate’s humor posing for a photo, was surprisingly friendly after playing a set that had our brains ricocheting in our heads with his bassy, hip-hop inspired music.

The party started for these three way before the show however, Crizzly throwing a pizza party for 12 lucky fans who got the invite through Twitter. One of those fans was Zach Redmond who donned a pizza costume for the show, which Crizzly of course signed. 

Real Thugz Tour is bouncing around the US bringing pizza parties and snapbacks back with an unprecedented swagger. Support Crizzly and his tour by seeing if he’s in your neighborhood next. Until then get your own taste for his genre bending remixes here.

Relive Your Festival - Be Safe In Sound

Please listen to Safe And Sound by Capital Cities while reading. (Yes I know it's safe AND sound but for all purposes safe IN sound worked better for me)

Racing, spinning, ripping.
Stop thinking, stop thinking.
Imploding.
Regret.
Shame.
I can't take it.

I hear a familiar sound, I throw my headphones on.


The goosebumps rise.
I can't help but move.
I close my eyes and my desk fades away along with my problems.
I am immersed in light.
The sun is warm.
The sky blue.
A rainbow of neon surrounds me.
I am experiencing every festival I've been to at once.
I can feel the elation of my spirit rise with the tempo.
In my head I'm jumping to the beat.
You are one with me.
Hearts synchronized with the music.
I am by myself but I do not feel alone.
I smile. I can't stop smiling.
I scream as the beat drops.
Releasing energy into the crowd.
I move to the music.
I move with you.
We are so alive in this moment.
The memories feel so real.
My heart races as though I'm there.
I see strangers, no--I see friends.
We understand each other.
As the music understands me.
I open my eyes.
The anxiety is gone.
I am centered.
I am safe in sound.

We're All We Need - Group Therapy - Alone In My Room

Sitting doesn't suit me.
The thought of being alone with me is unpleasant. Unbearable.
Alone with me meaning with my thoughts.
I must keep distracting myself.

I've gone through enough thousands of dollars and months in treatment to know the aggressive anger I have towards my thighs is just protecting me from something greater. My eating disorder is just protecting me from feeling other feelings like loneliness. It's just making it worse though. Now I feel like a fat loner rather than just one or the other.

I don't really know what I want to say. I want to have a profound point. A realization. A tip for life that I can share with all of you to help you through life but I've got nothing. I just want to talk. I want to connect.

Above & Beyond seem to have a knack for that. That's who I'm listening to now. Make that crying to. I shake my head in the mirror crying / laughing to myself as I go through some group therapy to their newest release We're All We Need. How do they do it? Damnit.

Zoe Johnston sings to seemingly me and for only me.

Hurry hurry let's go.

I want to run. I want to escape. This uncomfortability (not a word) that is now my home.
The unfamiliar streets, routine, suburbia, friendless town. But even more I want to escape myself. Constant theme to my blogs. Not being able to sit with what I've done, who I am, what I'm experiencing in that moment.

We're all we need. Oh darling.

Beat builds. Drops. And so does my emotion. I slump to the ground, grab at the carpet--I need something to get this energy out of me--it's like there's so much in me but I don't have the energy or understanding to show it. I can't tell if I want to cry, laugh or be mad.

Cause we're wise with the feeling we're all we need. 

Oh ya. My emotions are ok. Not being ok is ok. The more I reach out and ask for help rather than isolate in shame wanting everyone to think I'm ok the more I learn there's nothing to be ashamed of. The more I re familiarize myself with these simple lyrics from A&B the more I remember how I'm not alone.

Again no real point to this one besides to let you guys know I have emotions. I can't make sense of them but I'm trying to cope with them without addiction.

Repost: What Eating Disorders Are Really About

My friend in recovery posted this on Facebook.
It couldn't have been better timing.
I was feeling at my breaking point emotionally and very alone.
And while this just elaborates on my chaos it helps that someone else can relate.
That the pain and the confusion and the inadequacy that I feel sometimes can be put into words.

From The healing nest. What Eating Disorders Are Really About.

It's quite lengthy so I wanted to summarize what I related to most--even though I read each word with a ravenous hunger--I couldn't get the words in fast enough. It was so nice to feel understood.

"It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies."

I am a bulimic / anorexic when at my worst. My cycle, if I have a slip, is binge eat (to zone out, to not feel, to not care) then purge (to release, to punish), restrict (get control back), workout (empower, control), then there's too much restricting, control and pent up emotion=binge eat...repeat.

I do not allow myself to relax, let go and not care during my day-to-day with so many rules, expectations and stress that it climaxes into a binge. And sometimes it's not even with food. It's with booze or money or Netflix...haha

I purge to release all of the emotions I do not let myself feel through the days. Emotions generally seem too unbearable to feel and I will distract and invalidate my feelings constantly to avoid them. 

"It’s about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the Eating Disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear etc."

The cycle I just described above is enough to distract from most emotions. Thinking of when I can eat next, what I won't eat, what I didn't eat, when I'll workout, working out, how I didn't workout enough, my outfit...etc (again I'm in recovery now so this isn't very common and more toned down and I work to quiet these thoughts and combat them).

The lack of self-confidence I have in my career. The self-hatred I have...inexplicable self-hatred.

"It’s about having low self esteem. It’s about more than that, it’s about self hatred. A self hatred that could be there for another huge list of reasons. Our trust may have been broken by a loved one, we may have been abused: emotionally, physically, sexually. We may have done things we deeply regret. We may blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self hatred is there but we feel it in our core. It’s something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark, dangerous and disgustingly horrible. We believe we are “bad” people and deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, binge and excessively exercise because we feel like we deserve to die a slow and painful death. We deserve this miserable life. "

Fear of people of being the odd one out, of being unloved. Mostly though...

"It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop. "

There's also a lot of fear....

"It’s about fear....Afraid of our future, afraid of our past. Some of us are afraid of failure, some of us are afraid of success. Afraid of being too much or not enough. Some of us are scared we will not be brilliant or amazing or unique or rich or famous or inspiring or important or seen…or LOVED. We are afraid we will never find someone who will love us, unconditionally and some of us are afraid we will. Some of us are afraid of both. It’s these contradictions that can make life so confusing and scary and difficult to deal with."

AND this other one hit home: It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with; the Eating Disorder provides us with simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight. 

...

It’s about loneliness. Like we don’t fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us, this is a loneliness, an emptiness that we believe cannot be filled.

It’s about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences. 

I have done the work in two treatment centers and anonymous groups and on my own with friends to get me this far. I am pretty self-aware of what I'm doing to myself and when I'm avoiding, hurting, and what's the eating disorder and what's me. But I'm still working on stopping the behaviors and those thoughts and acting on those thoughts. On fighting the negative and seeing reality.

When I write in here I write when it's tough mostly because I need to. Things get intense and icky and raw--but this isn't all I am.

I write my true blue feelings in here to show others a human side to social media, to what all is presented out there. To show others that their thoughts aren't so weird, sad, what have you. That they aren't alone.

I write and share to help those understand that there is no black and white with eating disorders there is no sick and better. It really is 'progress not perfection'.

Chasing Time

I missed myself.

I haven’t felt at home in three weeks.

I began my new job as a sales person three weeks ago.

I was eager, excited and determined.

I believed I had the personality, skill set and drive to do this job and do it well.

Low and behold after two weeks of training and a week cold calling prospects I have not made one sale.
I dream about work. I wake up every three hours at night. I am tightly wound.

With each “no” I began to lose hope in this new job.
I saw my eating disorder sneak its way back in.

My cold tendencies. Not wanting to eat. Cutting out pieces of my meal plan. A binge a week. The drinking increased.
The self-hate, the shame was so great.

I did not want to act this way but it was as though I had no control over the hole I was digging or the dark road I was traveling down.

I have been growing my mental game though. Really trying to hammer down that this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, that I’m not lost, that all of my work isn’t gone. It’s very hard to separate that though when 8 hours a day the thing I’m trying my hardest at—I’m completely failing.

When I’m in an environment where everyone is excelling and I’m faltering.

When I’m in a place that no one knows what I’ve been through. That I am battling a disease let alone try to make new friends and learn a new job.

I am putting a lot on this new position because I feel I have exhausted my efforts.

I feel there is nothing out there for me anymore.

I tried at zulily. Being a writer. And that was a depressing dark hole where I just fell. Kept trying to climb out and every time I grabbed ahold my grip slipped.

Then there was the cruise ship and that failed miserably.

I tried getting a writing job before this and I was denied.

I have tried this and clearly I’m failing.

I have no other skill set.

Nowhere on my resume can I put down the fact that I’m really good at eating disorder treatment and I could probably be your therapist. That I put myself through treatment twice.
“No ma’am I don’t have recruiting experience—however I can do yoga meditation after eating a giant burrito without crying.”

What I’ve spent most of my life efforts on is being thin—and then fixing that. I have not had the time, energy or opportunity to develop in any other ways and I feel so lost.

What do I do now? Where do I go? I feel that there is nothing left for me. And that is a really scary, sad, depressing place to be in.

I haven’t written in a very long time because I had convinced myself no one cared and that I was bad at writing. However as soon as Chasing Time by Vicetone, Daniel Gidlund came on it was like I was home. The music moved through my brain, caught my senses and hit my heart. I felt whole again. I had the urge to write.

This is the only thing that gives me hope that I matter—that I have a place in this world. But I have no idea what that looks like, where that is or what it entails doing. Just knowing that there’s a comfort like this that exists is well comforting.

Ironically the song that inspired me to write says:

“If we could drive the words we say

Every single line would lead the way.” – Which to me is like I should just listen to what I’m typing, what I am saying to myself. My heart speaks to me so authentically when I write and I’ve been denying it the option to talk because I was afraid of facing the pain that comes with the shame from failing at this job.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time.

Can't afford to lose velocity

When you’re going places never seen. “ – So I feel like I am losing time, I have to figure out my life now. I have to know what the right path is for me and I can’t afford to slow down so my anxiety is getting the best of me.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time, chasing time. “

“Hold on to me” – I know my higher power speaks to me through music and she’s saying just listen, listen to my omens.

“As we're trading precious time for something new.” – While I feel like I’m throwing my time away on something that isn’t for me I’m just getting closer to finding out what’s right for me.

“Hold on to me

We'll be writing every line while rushing through.” – The we’ll is key here she’s saying she’s with me while I go through this.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

My energy and confusion and anger is too much for my body and mind to handle.
So I have my headphones on and this is pumping into my ears.

Nails to skin.

Mouth opens wide.

Silent screams.

No air. 

No relief.

Build. 

Suffocate.

Tears flow.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

Reverberate.

Movement.

Silhouette of myself.

All I can do is pulse.

Figure infatuated.

Close my eyes and I'm gone.

No body.

My pain envelopes me.

Warm water drips down my cheeks.

I'm still human.

Powerless fall in love.

Release.

Scratches. Delayed sense of hurt.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Numb.