I have fought this urge all day.
Yes. Yes I will.
I was so proud I didn't give into the voices.
"You'll start fresh tomorrow."
"You're just having a rough time now. It's ok."
"It'll be a small binge, not as bad as the others. It's ok."
"It'll be a small binge, not as bad as the others. It's ok."
I fought the strongest wave of ED at 3:30 PM today thanks to a multitude of things.
I want to justify that it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to take down an addiction.
But mostly I'm finding it takes a power greater than myself.
And I call that The Universe.
And I call that The Universe.
The Universe had my mom call at just the right time when I was thinking of what food I would eat.
It reminded me of the laundry I had to get from downstairs.
Of the gym that isn't so far way where I could escape with my music (follow my soundcloud).
But I also want and need to give credit to myself.
It took a lot to be in a place where I could listen. And see.
I got to the gym where my higher power put a friend who just so happened to need a friend to workout with. A friend who I've been nerdily wanting to grow a relationship with. She's just so awkward and cool.
I came home proud, satisfied and ravished. Ate. Normally. Fuck you eating disorder.
A friend asked me to hang out later.
I see you Universe. I hear you.
Yes. Yes I will.
I will slowly step through my life. I will navigate each movement and decision with caution because I don't know what's true or false right now. Addiction and disease are so simultaneously meshed into my system it's hard to make decisions.
And then I hang out with my friend. We go to a great restaurant. Where I wear perfume like an adult and lipstick like a child.
And we talk and we laugh and we relate.
And now I'm here with a growling stomach and a tired mind that this I have something to say.
I guess the point is, to all you other bulimics, it's worth the wait. Just those two extra seconds. Where you think it's not going to go away. The urge to be free. To be light. To be weightless. To be hollow. To numb.
Moments ago I ate two M&M cookies and some chips. And I talked myself out of a binge and of purging. Because I know who I'm letting down--me. I don't want food to control me anymore. I want me to control me--or well navigate me through this life. I want the freedom to feel, to be. And that's what recovery gives me.
I don't give a flying fuck if no one reads this. No that's a lie I want to help people. But I just was able to calm myself down out of a binge. And that's amazing. No one else understand but us how hard it is to eat a meal, keep it down and move on. How each grocery visit, restaurant reservation and party sends a chill of fear into us but I want this to be a place where I can and you can revel in your victories because they are not small, they are to be celebrated.
