Repost: What Eating Disorders Are Really About

My friend in recovery posted this on Facebook.
It couldn't have been better timing.
I was feeling at my breaking point emotionally and very alone.
And while this just elaborates on my chaos it helps that someone else can relate.
That the pain and the confusion and the inadequacy that I feel sometimes can be put into words.

From The healing nest. What Eating Disorders Are Really About.

It's quite lengthy so I wanted to summarize what I related to most--even though I read each word with a ravenous hunger--I couldn't get the words in fast enough. It was so nice to feel understood.

"It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies."

I am a bulimic / anorexic when at my worst. My cycle, if I have a slip, is binge eat (to zone out, to not feel, to not care) then purge (to release, to punish), restrict (get control back), workout (empower, control), then there's too much restricting, control and pent up emotion=binge eat...repeat.

I do not allow myself to relax, let go and not care during my day-to-day with so many rules, expectations and stress that it climaxes into a binge. And sometimes it's not even with food. It's with booze or money or Netflix...haha

I purge to release all of the emotions I do not let myself feel through the days. Emotions generally seem too unbearable to feel and I will distract and invalidate my feelings constantly to avoid them. 

"It’s about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the Eating Disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear etc."

The cycle I just described above is enough to distract from most emotions. Thinking of when I can eat next, what I won't eat, what I didn't eat, when I'll workout, working out, how I didn't workout enough, my outfit...etc (again I'm in recovery now so this isn't very common and more toned down and I work to quiet these thoughts and combat them).

The lack of self-confidence I have in my career. The self-hatred I have...inexplicable self-hatred.

"It’s about having low self esteem. It’s about more than that, it’s about self hatred. A self hatred that could be there for another huge list of reasons. Our trust may have been broken by a loved one, we may have been abused: emotionally, physically, sexually. We may have done things we deeply regret. We may blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self hatred is there but we feel it in our core. It’s something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark, dangerous and disgustingly horrible. We believe we are “bad” people and deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, binge and excessively exercise because we feel like we deserve to die a slow and painful death. We deserve this miserable life. "

Fear of people of being the odd one out, of being unloved. Mostly though...

"It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop. "

There's also a lot of fear....

"It’s about fear....Afraid of our future, afraid of our past. Some of us are afraid of failure, some of us are afraid of success. Afraid of being too much or not enough. Some of us are scared we will not be brilliant or amazing or unique or rich or famous or inspiring or important or seen…or LOVED. We are afraid we will never find someone who will love us, unconditionally and some of us are afraid we will. Some of us are afraid of both. It’s these contradictions that can make life so confusing and scary and difficult to deal with."

AND this other one hit home: It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with; the Eating Disorder provides us with simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight. 

...

It’s about loneliness. Like we don’t fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us, this is a loneliness, an emptiness that we believe cannot be filled.

It’s about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences. 

I have done the work in two treatment centers and anonymous groups and on my own with friends to get me this far. I am pretty self-aware of what I'm doing to myself and when I'm avoiding, hurting, and what's the eating disorder and what's me. But I'm still working on stopping the behaviors and those thoughts and acting on those thoughts. On fighting the negative and seeing reality.

When I write in here I write when it's tough mostly because I need to. Things get intense and icky and raw--but this isn't all I am.

I write my true blue feelings in here to show others a human side to social media, to what all is presented out there. To show others that their thoughts aren't so weird, sad, what have you. That they aren't alone.

I write and share to help those understand that there is no black and white with eating disorders there is no sick and better. It really is 'progress not perfection'.