We're All We Need - Group Therapy - Alone In My Room

Sitting doesn't suit me.
The thought of being alone with me is unpleasant. Unbearable.
Alone with me meaning with my thoughts.
I must keep distracting myself.

I've gone through enough thousands of dollars and months in treatment to know the aggressive anger I have towards my thighs is just protecting me from something greater. My eating disorder is just protecting me from feeling other feelings like loneliness. It's just making it worse though. Now I feel like a fat loner rather than just one or the other.

I don't really know what I want to say. I want to have a profound point. A realization. A tip for life that I can share with all of you to help you through life but I've got nothing. I just want to talk. I want to connect.

Above & Beyond seem to have a knack for that. That's who I'm listening to now. Make that crying to. I shake my head in the mirror crying / laughing to myself as I go through some group therapy to their newest release We're All We Need. How do they do it? Damnit.

Zoe Johnston sings to seemingly me and for only me.

Hurry hurry let's go.

I want to run. I want to escape. This uncomfortability (not a word) that is now my home.
The unfamiliar streets, routine, suburbia, friendless town. But even more I want to escape myself. Constant theme to my blogs. Not being able to sit with what I've done, who I am, what I'm experiencing in that moment.

We're all we need. Oh darling.

Beat builds. Drops. And so does my emotion. I slump to the ground, grab at the carpet--I need something to get this energy out of me--it's like there's so much in me but I don't have the energy or understanding to show it. I can't tell if I want to cry, laugh or be mad.

Cause we're wise with the feeling we're all we need. 

Oh ya. My emotions are ok. Not being ok is ok. The more I reach out and ask for help rather than isolate in shame wanting everyone to think I'm ok the more I learn there's nothing to be ashamed of. The more I re familiarize myself with these simple lyrics from A&B the more I remember how I'm not alone.

Again no real point to this one besides to let you guys know I have emotions. I can't make sense of them but I'm trying to cope with them without addiction.

Repost: What Eating Disorders Are Really About

My friend in recovery posted this on Facebook.
It couldn't have been better timing.
I was feeling at my breaking point emotionally and very alone.
And while this just elaborates on my chaos it helps that someone else can relate.
That the pain and the confusion and the inadequacy that I feel sometimes can be put into words.

From The healing nest. What Eating Disorders Are Really About.

It's quite lengthy so I wanted to summarize what I related to most--even though I read each word with a ravenous hunger--I couldn't get the words in fast enough. It was so nice to feel understood.

"It’s about the feelings we can’t verbalize, that can’t be expressed through words so we try to “say” it with our bodies."

I am a bulimic / anorexic when at my worst. My cycle, if I have a slip, is binge eat (to zone out, to not feel, to not care) then purge (to release, to punish), restrict (get control back), workout (empower, control), then there's too much restricting, control and pent up emotion=binge eat...repeat.

I do not allow myself to relax, let go and not care during my day-to-day with so many rules, expectations and stress that it climaxes into a binge. And sometimes it's not even with food. It's with booze or money or Netflix...haha

I purge to release all of the emotions I do not let myself feel through the days. Emotions generally seem too unbearable to feel and I will distract and invalidate my feelings constantly to avoid them. 

"It’s about painful feelings and our belief that we are unable to deal with them so we use the Eating Disorder to numb the sadness, anger, hurt, shame, guilt, hopelessness, fear etc."

The cycle I just described above is enough to distract from most emotions. Thinking of when I can eat next, what I won't eat, what I didn't eat, when I'll workout, working out, how I didn't workout enough, my outfit...etc (again I'm in recovery now so this isn't very common and more toned down and I work to quiet these thoughts and combat them).

The lack of self-confidence I have in my career. The self-hatred I have...inexplicable self-hatred.

"It’s about having low self esteem. It’s about more than that, it’s about self hatred. A self hatred that could be there for another huge list of reasons. Our trust may have been broken by a loved one, we may have been abused: emotionally, physically, sexually. We may have done things we deeply regret. We may blame ourselves for painful experiences that have happened in our lives. We may not even know why that self hatred is there but we feel it in our core. It’s something so deep down, something in us that we believe to be dark, dangerous and disgustingly horrible. We believe we are “bad” people and deserve to be punished. We starve, purge, binge and excessively exercise because we feel like we deserve to die a slow and painful death. We deserve this miserable life. "

Fear of people of being the odd one out, of being unloved. Mostly though...

"It’s about an extreme, intense feeling of being inadequate.  Like nothing we do or say or feel is “right”. “Not thin enough” often means something more painful to admit. That we are not enough. full stop. "

There's also a lot of fear....

"It’s about fear....Afraid of our future, afraid of our past. Some of us are afraid of failure, some of us are afraid of success. Afraid of being too much or not enough. Some of us are scared we will not be brilliant or amazing or unique or rich or famous or inspiring or important or seen…or LOVED. We are afraid we will never find someone who will love us, unconditionally and some of us are afraid we will. Some of us are afraid of both. It’s these contradictions that can make life so confusing and scary and difficult to deal with."

AND this other one hit home: It’s about feeling overwhelmed by life. Like nothing makes sense. Nothing is simple. The Eating Disorder gives us a sense of calm…to an outsider our life may look like it is in absolute chaos but it gives us the false sense of security we so desperately need. Problems that seem too big and complicated to deal with, feelings that are uncomfortable to sit with; the Eating Disorder provides us with simple, concrete answers to our distress. Our bodies are the problem and we need to fix the problem by losing weight. 

...

It’s about loneliness. Like we don’t fit in or belong anywhere. Like no one understands us. Like we are somehow completely different to the rest of the human population. It doesn’t matter how many friends or family we have around us, this is a loneliness, an emptiness that we believe cannot be filled.

It’s about survival. It helped us to survive and cope with some horrific and painful life experiences. 

I have done the work in two treatment centers and anonymous groups and on my own with friends to get me this far. I am pretty self-aware of what I'm doing to myself and when I'm avoiding, hurting, and what's the eating disorder and what's me. But I'm still working on stopping the behaviors and those thoughts and acting on those thoughts. On fighting the negative and seeing reality.

When I write in here I write when it's tough mostly because I need to. Things get intense and icky and raw--but this isn't all I am.

I write my true blue feelings in here to show others a human side to social media, to what all is presented out there. To show others that their thoughts aren't so weird, sad, what have you. That they aren't alone.

I write and share to help those understand that there is no black and white with eating disorders there is no sick and better. It really is 'progress not perfection'.

Chasing Time

I missed myself.

I haven’t felt at home in three weeks.

I began my new job as a sales person three weeks ago.

I was eager, excited and determined.

I believed I had the personality, skill set and drive to do this job and do it well.

Low and behold after two weeks of training and a week cold calling prospects I have not made one sale.
I dream about work. I wake up every three hours at night. I am tightly wound.

With each “no” I began to lose hope in this new job.
I saw my eating disorder sneak its way back in.

My cold tendencies. Not wanting to eat. Cutting out pieces of my meal plan. A binge a week. The drinking increased.
The self-hate, the shame was so great.

I did not want to act this way but it was as though I had no control over the hole I was digging or the dark road I was traveling down.

I have been growing my mental game though. Really trying to hammer down that this doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, that I’m not lost, that all of my work isn’t gone. It’s very hard to separate that though when 8 hours a day the thing I’m trying my hardest at—I’m completely failing.

When I’m in an environment where everyone is excelling and I’m faltering.

When I’m in a place that no one knows what I’ve been through. That I am battling a disease let alone try to make new friends and learn a new job.

I am putting a lot on this new position because I feel I have exhausted my efforts.

I feel there is nothing out there for me anymore.

I tried at zulily. Being a writer. And that was a depressing dark hole where I just fell. Kept trying to climb out and every time I grabbed ahold my grip slipped.

Then there was the cruise ship and that failed miserably.

I tried getting a writing job before this and I was denied.

I have tried this and clearly I’m failing.

I have no other skill set.

Nowhere on my resume can I put down the fact that I’m really good at eating disorder treatment and I could probably be your therapist. That I put myself through treatment twice.
“No ma’am I don’t have recruiting experience—however I can do yoga meditation after eating a giant burrito without crying.”

What I’ve spent most of my life efforts on is being thin—and then fixing that. I have not had the time, energy or opportunity to develop in any other ways and I feel so lost.

What do I do now? Where do I go? I feel that there is nothing left for me. And that is a really scary, sad, depressing place to be in.

I haven’t written in a very long time because I had convinced myself no one cared and that I was bad at writing. However as soon as Chasing Time by Vicetone, Daniel Gidlund came on it was like I was home. The music moved through my brain, caught my senses and hit my heart. I felt whole again. I had the urge to write.

This is the only thing that gives me hope that I matter—that I have a place in this world. But I have no idea what that looks like, where that is or what it entails doing. Just knowing that there’s a comfort like this that exists is well comforting.

Ironically the song that inspired me to write says:

“If we could drive the words we say

Every single line would lead the way.” – Which to me is like I should just listen to what I’m typing, what I am saying to myself. My heart speaks to me so authentically when I write and I’ve been denying it the option to talk because I was afraid of facing the pain that comes with the shame from failing at this job.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time.

Can't afford to lose velocity

When you’re going places never seen. “ – So I feel like I am losing time, I have to figure out my life now. I have to know what the right path is for me and I can’t afford to slow down so my anxiety is getting the best of me.

“With the speed of light here on our side

We're chasing time, chasing time. “

“Hold on to me” – I know my higher power speaks to me through music and she’s saying just listen, listen to my omens.

“As we're trading precious time for something new.” – While I feel like I’m throwing my time away on something that isn’t for me I’m just getting closer to finding out what’s right for me.

“Hold on to me

We'll be writing every line while rushing through.” – The we’ll is key here she’s saying she’s with me while I go through this.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

My energy and confusion and anger is too much for my body and mind to handle.
So I have my headphones on and this is pumping into my ears.

Nails to skin.

Mouth opens wide.

Silent screams.

No air. 

No relief.

Build. 

Suffocate.

Tears flow.

Beat.

Beat.

Beat.

Reverberate.

Movement.

Silhouette of myself.

All I can do is pulse.

Figure infatuated.

Close my eyes and I'm gone.

No body.

My pain envelopes me.

Warm water drips down my cheeks.

I'm still human.

Powerless fall in love.

Release.

Scratches. Delayed sense of hurt.

Wake up.

Wake up.

Numb.

Tidal Wave, Sub Focus - Collide

Every time I hear the seeming heartbeat of "Tidal Wave's" intro I smile.

I say the words, "You can't just give it away like it means nothing." Before she sings them.

And my mind takes me back to being on the hill of Paradiso--I so cool (the more you read the more you'll discover I'm incredibly sarcastic) that I had my boyfriend take a picture of me when Sub Focus played it so I could remember exactly when and where I was when I saw, felt, experienced this song live.

I had been playing it repeatedly in my headphones for weeks straight (and still do on my morning play list) when I had listened to the words.

Music helps me express the mess that is inside me. It puts words to the tangle that's within my head.

And after a major event that so plainly showed I needed to stop disrespecting my body with my eating disorder, and excessive drinking. I hear:

You can't just give it away
Like it means nothing
Love isn't this game where
You win something

I was throwing my body, my looks and my self respect around like it was--well nothing. Flaunting it, dressing it up, putting a price on it--that kept getting lower. A compliment, a free drink, asking me for a picture, a smile--and you had me. I was yours. Give me more, all I wanted was your approval because I could not find it within myself.

Oh and then Sub Focus you spell it out for me:

 

I'm tired of being 
On the outside 
I wanna know 
What it's like 

I'm tired of seeing 
All the sights
I wanna feel
Us collide

I've felt most of my time in recovery that I'm on the other side of the glass. Here I am, the problem (that may be part of the problem--thinking I'm a problem) and the solution is on the other side. I clearly see the issue and I clearly see the answer, but there is seemly no way to get to the other side. And I'm taunted because it is RIGHT THERE. People have their opinions. They tell me what's 'wrong' with me, what my fears are, what I have to get over, what I should do and it's like I go numb, I stop, I freeze upon getting to the doing part, the fixing part. And it is so incredibly frustrating. All I want to do is break through that glass and collide with the answer, real me.

I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to be her. I want to collide--to be jolted awake. To live.

Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 
Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 

And then the lyrics start to answer my question as how to break free: LOVE. Give myself grace, and understanding. Embrace, trust the process. Bask in it. In the struggle, in the fight, in the beauty of the mess--of recovery. And it says "I FEEL the impact" that's what I said I wanted wasn't it? TO FEEL.

All the games we play
You're fooling nobody 
If it makes you feel good
When you're hurting somebody 

This part reminds me of how fucking tricky ED can be. He / she / it whatever you reference yours as, can be so damn manipulative. They fuck with our heads. Make us so uncomfortable as we move forward in our journey. When we eat it's wrong, when we don't eat they guilt us, when we workout for the 'right' amount of time it's not enough, when we stop we're 'going to get fat'. When we ask for help 'we are a burden' when we don't they suck us back down. But the lyrics state it plainly (which so many times is exactly what I need) "you're fooling nobody". 

You know your authentic self. I know it gets so confusing and sometimes it feels like you don't know what's you, your ed or recovery but just take a step back. You can do this. 

I've been in quite the funk lately and not writing but this is one of my best outlets and I need it and I need you to help continue on the right path. No matter how slow I move as long as I'm moving forward that's all that matters. And I'll break that glass soon enough.

Just keep loving and keep fighting. 

I'm Avoiding A Binge. The Flvar Blue Edition.

I'm avoiding a binge by putting on my Panasonic headphones and listening to The Flavr Blue on repeat.

I have fought this urge all day.

I was so proud I didn't give into the voices.

"You'll start fresh tomorrow."

"You're just having a rough time now. It's ok."
"It'll be a small binge, not as bad as the others. It's ok."

I fought the strongest wave of ED at 3:30 PM today thanks to a multitude of things.

I want to justify that it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to take down an addiction.

But mostly I'm finding it takes a power greater than myself.
And I call that The Universe.

The Universe had my mom call at just the right time when I was thinking of what food I would eat. 

It reminded me of the laundry I had to get from downstairs.

Of the gym that isn't so far way where I could escape with my music (follow my soundcloud).

But I also want and need to give credit to myself.

It took a lot to be in a place where I could listen. And see.

I got to the gym where my higher power put a friend who just so happened to need a friend to workout with. A friend who I've been nerdily wanting to grow a relationship with. She's just so awkward and cool.

I came home proud, satisfied and ravished. Ate. Normally. Fuck you eating disorder.

A friend asked me to hang out later.

I see you Universe. I hear you.

Yes. Yes I will.

I will slowly step through my life. I will navigate each movement and decision with caution because I don't know what's true or false right now. Addiction and disease are so simultaneously meshed into my system it's hard to make decisions. 

And then I hang out with my friend. We go to a great restaurant. Where I wear perfume like an adult and lipstick like a child.

And we talk and we laugh and we relate.

And now I'm here with a growling stomach and a tired mind that this I have something to say.

I guess the point is, to all you other bulimics, it's worth the wait. Just those two extra seconds. Where you think it's not going to go away. The urge to be free. To be light. To be weightless. To be hollow. To numb. 

Moments ago I ate two M&M cookies and some chips. And I talked myself out of a binge and of purging. Because I know who I'm letting down--me. I don't want food to control me anymore. I want me to control me--or well navigate me through this life. I want the freedom to feel, to be. And that's what recovery gives me.

I don't give a flying fuck if no one reads this. No that's a lie I want to help people. But I just was able to calm myself down out of a binge. And that's amazing. No one else understand but us how hard it is to eat a meal, keep it down and move on. How each grocery visit, restaurant reservation and party sends a chill of fear into us but I want this to be a place where I can and you can revel in your victories because they are not small, they are to be celebrated.

Pre Paradiso 2014

So now that I've written my first post and I'm about to drive my rave booty out to Paradiso at The Gorge, WA I want to say something super profound but all I can do is smile. And repeatedly say I'm so fucking excited.

It's the kind of smile that comes out only when you're on your rave eve and your heart stops and your stomach drops and you can feel the vibes coming on. For once the unknown isn't scary.

My anxiety with a break up, my friend committing suicide, unemployment and freaking out over figuring out who I am has led to many sleepless nights and glue gunning.

This is the first time I've really created my own outfits. I put myself into them rather than being influenced to dress so guys will tell me I'm hot and to see how many girls I can make jealous. I'm wearing what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. And honestly I'm really proud of what I've done.

I guess that's the theme and mentality I'm going into Paradiso with--being proud of what I've done with myself. Proud of who I am and how far I've come. 

In the past I have gotten black out drunk, run around half dressed just craving attention and someone to tell me what I can't tell myself--that I'm ok, that I'm enough, that I'm more than ok just being me. 

This community at first confused me. I saw all the beautiful people and their bodies and I thought "I have so much work to do." I was envious, I compared, I judged. And now as I really try to live by my values and PLUR I realize that's not what it's about at all, it's about appreciating who they are, their uniqueness, and what they have to offer the world--and what I do too.

It's about being there in that moment with so many other people for pure enjoyment.

I have not seen my life as one to enjoy. Rather one to survive. Using my ED to cope.

Always striving to be skinnier, smarter, prettier or more popular in order to feel ok and safe.

I was never in the moment, I was somewhere in my head.

And this weekend I cannot wait to be submerged into a world where it's all about being in the now.

I should say I've got A&B in my ears right now so I'm really just vibing.

EDM has allowed me to "make love where there was none." Ah.

I am so excited to experience Paradiso in recovery and in turn get to experience and know myself.

Hi. I'm Kris.

Hi. Thank you for reading <3

This blog has been in the making since I entered the PLUR world of Ultra Music Festival in 2012.

I was an anorexic bulimic, depressed, scared and waiting for someone to tell me who I was.

And during those three days a lot of someones did. Or rather, helped show me who they were so I could see the beauty in myself.

From the girls that walked around so comfortable in their (very bare) skin, to the boys that complimented me to the kandi I received. And the smiles I got for just being me. And the vibrations of the music that awoke something in me that I didn't know existed. And Group Therapy-oh you know what I mean.

That blur of sober (yes sober) partying, dancing, living and loving turned me onto something that I didn't think existed in this world.

Love.

And ever since then I've been on my journey to recover from my eating disorder and it's been one hell of a ride.

I'm here to share how EDM is saving my life one bass drop at a time.
To give encouragement to other girls in the community.
To show others what I believe the scene is about and can do for people--eating disorder or not.

So just so we're fully acquainted here's me at UMF:

I knew who Skrillex was and that neon was cool and that girls wore headbands the wrong way:

(I mean I even bought a YOLO tank)

I was in AA trying to figure out my relationships with substances and unknowingly my overall impulse control issues. I was actively engaging in restricting and purging and over exercising. I hated what I looked like and longed to feel ok in my ok skin. I had tried Overeaters Anonymous and that helped me feel less alone but I was still so lost.

At UMF I watched others experiment, rave, rage and I drank and insane amount of caffeine. I loved this world that seemed so happy, loving, easy and yet so unattainable.

And here I am now, just out of out patient from The Emily Program in Seattle, I have not binged or purged or restricted in 18 days straight and have come light years from that girl who wore her first fluffies.

I'm not cured, I'm not perfect, but I'm a hell of a lot happier, healthier and whole.

My hope for this blog is it to be a place where you all can come to relate, vent, listen and learn. I can help offer coping skills, perspective on body image, the industry and I don't know what else! I'm just really excited to start this endeavor.

Follow my instagram: kris_wilhelmy

Follow my twitter: @EDm_Recovery