Wake Me Up - Avicii

When I first heard--and up until about three minutes ago--I hated Avicii's Wake Me Up.
Country? No thank you.
The lyrics? I didn't get it.
But the video-hit me hard.
A coworker just shared it with me randomly after a meeting.
And I'm so happy she did.

The country with the lyrics and the video--NOW it all makes sense. And now I'm holding back tears at my desk.
Side note: I feel Avicii picked the location of their "awakening" to be UMF just for me because that's where I had mine.

3 years ago I lived in a world where people were mean.
Everyone was against me.
I had to protect myself.
I had to perfect myself.
Nothing was enough.
I was not good enough.

I didn't know that another world existed. Another way of life. Until I went to Ultra Miami 2012.

Thin as all hell, driven by a self-hatred so deep it consumed my thoughts and I couldn't separate a good day from a bad one, I traveled to South Beach having no idea what was about to happen. I was sober at the time and exposed to drugs, drinking, and partying on another level.



I was scared, I was uptight, I was confused. How do people do this? Rigid, tight, and frozen I went through the first couple of days of Miami Music Week mostly miserable.

And then I walked into Ultra and I saw bodies of all kinds. I was smiled at by girls that I were sure should glare at me. I was offered food, kandi, water, and genuine kindness. What did they want I thought. This can't be real. And slowly I softened. My heart opened to the idea that people can be inherently good, that I could not only receive their kindness but that I deserved it.

Wake Me Up tells my story to a "T". I didn't know I was lost. I felt so out of place for so long. I was surviving through life, not living it. But at UMF for the first time I felt at home.

Once I had a taste of PLURR and electronic music I couldn't stop. I came home with my kandi, my bracelets, my tan and my new attitude and I wanted everyone to know--THE WORLD IS NOT SCARY.

And that's something I've lost sight of this past year. Not always but overall yes. I've been hardened again by traumatic experiences, being a grown up, and caught up in myself. And I feel so blessed that today, on the day I get to see Kaskade on his Automatic Tour, that I was reminded what this music really means to me.

My mindset was all about how I would look, who I would see, would I get home at a decent hour for work tomorrow. And now I just can't wait to be surrounded by likeminded people who are looking for the same thing I am: peace, love, unity, and respect.

Tidal Wave, Sub Focus - Collide

Every time I hear the seeming heartbeat of "Tidal Wave's" intro I smile.

I say the words, "You can't just give it away like it means nothing." Before she sings them.

And my mind takes me back to being on the hill of Paradiso--I so cool (the more you read the more you'll discover I'm incredibly sarcastic) that I had my boyfriend take a picture of me when Sub Focus played it so I could remember exactly when and where I was when I saw, felt, experienced this song live.

I had been playing it repeatedly in my headphones for weeks straight (and still do on my morning play list) when I had listened to the words.

Music helps me express the mess that is inside me. It puts words to the tangle that's within my head.

And after a major event that so plainly showed I needed to stop disrespecting my body with my eating disorder, and excessive drinking. I hear:

You can't just give it away
Like it means nothing
Love isn't this game where
You win something

I was throwing my body, my looks and my self respect around like it was--well nothing. Flaunting it, dressing it up, putting a price on it--that kept getting lower. A compliment, a free drink, asking me for a picture, a smile--and you had me. I was yours. Give me more, all I wanted was your approval because I could not find it within myself.

Oh and then Sub Focus you spell it out for me:

 

I'm tired of being 
On the outside 
I wanna know 
What it's like 

I'm tired of seeing 
All the sights
I wanna feel
Us collide

I've felt most of my time in recovery that I'm on the other side of the glass. Here I am, the problem (that may be part of the problem--thinking I'm a problem) and the solution is on the other side. I clearly see the issue and I clearly see the answer, but there is seemly no way to get to the other side. And I'm taunted because it is RIGHT THERE. People have their opinions. They tell me what's 'wrong' with me, what my fears are, what I have to get over, what I should do and it's like I go numb, I stop, I freeze upon getting to the doing part, the fixing part. And it is so incredibly frustrating. All I want to do is break through that glass and collide with the answer, real me.

I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to be her. I want to collide--to be jolted awake. To live.

Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 
Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 

And then the lyrics start to answer my question as how to break free: LOVE. Give myself grace, and understanding. Embrace, trust the process. Bask in it. In the struggle, in the fight, in the beauty of the mess--of recovery. And it says "I FEEL the impact" that's what I said I wanted wasn't it? TO FEEL.

All the games we play
You're fooling nobody 
If it makes you feel good
When you're hurting somebody 

This part reminds me of how fucking tricky ED can be. He / she / it whatever you reference yours as, can be so damn manipulative. They fuck with our heads. Make us so uncomfortable as we move forward in our journey. When we eat it's wrong, when we don't eat they guilt us, when we workout for the 'right' amount of time it's not enough, when we stop we're 'going to get fat'. When we ask for help 'we are a burden' when we don't they suck us back down. But the lyrics state it plainly (which so many times is exactly what I need) "you're fooling nobody". 

You know your authentic self. I know it gets so confusing and sometimes it feels like you don't know what's you, your ed or recovery but just take a step back. You can do this. 

I've been in quite the funk lately and not writing but this is one of my best outlets and I need it and I need you to help continue on the right path. No matter how slow I move as long as I'm moving forward that's all that matters. And I'll break that glass soon enough.

Just keep loving and keep fighting.