Tidal Wave, Sub Focus - Collide

Every time I hear the seeming heartbeat of "Tidal Wave's" intro I smile.

I say the words, "You can't just give it away like it means nothing." Before she sings them.

And my mind takes me back to being on the hill of Paradiso--I so cool (the more you read the more you'll discover I'm incredibly sarcastic) that I had my boyfriend take a picture of me when Sub Focus played it so I could remember exactly when and where I was when I saw, felt, experienced this song live.

I had been playing it repeatedly in my headphones for weeks straight (and still do on my morning play list) when I had listened to the words.

Music helps me express the mess that is inside me. It puts words to the tangle that's within my head.

And after a major event that so plainly showed I needed to stop disrespecting my body with my eating disorder, and excessive drinking. I hear:

You can't just give it away
Like it means nothing
Love isn't this game where
You win something

I was throwing my body, my looks and my self respect around like it was--well nothing. Flaunting it, dressing it up, putting a price on it--that kept getting lower. A compliment, a free drink, asking me for a picture, a smile--and you had me. I was yours. Give me more, all I wanted was your approval because I could not find it within myself.

Oh and then Sub Focus you spell it out for me:

 

I'm tired of being 
On the outside 
I wanna know 
What it's like 

I'm tired of seeing 
All the sights
I wanna feel
Us collide

I've felt most of my time in recovery that I'm on the other side of the glass. Here I am, the problem (that may be part of the problem--thinking I'm a problem) and the solution is on the other side. I clearly see the issue and I clearly see the answer, but there is seemly no way to get to the other side. And I'm taunted because it is RIGHT THERE. People have their opinions. They tell me what's 'wrong' with me, what my fears are, what I have to get over, what I should do and it's like I go numb, I stop, I freeze upon getting to the doing part, the fixing part. And it is so incredibly frustrating. All I want to do is break through that glass and collide with the answer, real me.

I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to be her. I want to collide--to be jolted awake. To live.

Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 
Your love washes over 
Like a tidal wave
I feel the impact
As we collide 

And then the lyrics start to answer my question as how to break free: LOVE. Give myself grace, and understanding. Embrace, trust the process. Bask in it. In the struggle, in the fight, in the beauty of the mess--of recovery. And it says "I FEEL the impact" that's what I said I wanted wasn't it? TO FEEL.

All the games we play
You're fooling nobody 
If it makes you feel good
When you're hurting somebody 

This part reminds me of how fucking tricky ED can be. He / she / it whatever you reference yours as, can be so damn manipulative. They fuck with our heads. Make us so uncomfortable as we move forward in our journey. When we eat it's wrong, when we don't eat they guilt us, when we workout for the 'right' amount of time it's not enough, when we stop we're 'going to get fat'. When we ask for help 'we are a burden' when we don't they suck us back down. But the lyrics state it plainly (which so many times is exactly what I need) "you're fooling nobody". 

You know your authentic self. I know it gets so confusing and sometimes it feels like you don't know what's you, your ed or recovery but just take a step back. You can do this. 

I've been in quite the funk lately and not writing but this is one of my best outlets and I need it and I need you to help continue on the right path. No matter how slow I move as long as I'm moving forward that's all that matters. And I'll break that glass soon enough.

Just keep loving and keep fighting. 

Pre Paradiso 2014

So now that I've written my first post and I'm about to drive my rave booty out to Paradiso at The Gorge, WA I want to say something super profound but all I can do is smile. And repeatedly say I'm so fucking excited.

It's the kind of smile that comes out only when you're on your rave eve and your heart stops and your stomach drops and you can feel the vibes coming on. For once the unknown isn't scary.

My anxiety with a break up, my friend committing suicide, unemployment and freaking out over figuring out who I am has led to many sleepless nights and glue gunning.

This is the first time I've really created my own outfits. I put myself into them rather than being influenced to dress so guys will tell me I'm hot and to see how many girls I can make jealous. I'm wearing what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. And honestly I'm really proud of what I've done.

I guess that's the theme and mentality I'm going into Paradiso with--being proud of what I've done with myself. Proud of who I am and how far I've come. 

In the past I have gotten black out drunk, run around half dressed just craving attention and someone to tell me what I can't tell myself--that I'm ok, that I'm enough, that I'm more than ok just being me. 

This community at first confused me. I saw all the beautiful people and their bodies and I thought "I have so much work to do." I was envious, I compared, I judged. And now as I really try to live by my values and PLUR I realize that's not what it's about at all, it's about appreciating who they are, their uniqueness, and what they have to offer the world--and what I do too.

It's about being there in that moment with so many other people for pure enjoyment.

I have not seen my life as one to enjoy. Rather one to survive. Using my ED to cope.

Always striving to be skinnier, smarter, prettier or more popular in order to feel ok and safe.

I was never in the moment, I was somewhere in my head.

And this weekend I cannot wait to be submerged into a world where it's all about being in the now.

I should say I've got A&B in my ears right now so I'm really just vibing.

EDM has allowed me to "make love where there was none." Ah.

I am so excited to experience Paradiso in recovery and in turn get to experience and know myself.