It's the kind of smile that comes out only when you're on your rave eve and your heart stops and your stomach drops and you can feel the vibes coming on. For once the unknown isn't scary.
My anxiety with a break up, my friend committing suicide, unemployment and freaking out over figuring out who I am has led to many sleepless nights and glue gunning.
This is the first time I've really created my own outfits. I put myself into them rather than being influenced to dress so guys will tell me I'm hot and to see how many girls I can make jealous. I'm wearing what I want to wear and what makes me feel good. And honestly I'm really proud of what I've done.
I guess that's the theme and mentality I'm going into Paradiso with--being proud of what I've done with myself. Proud of who I am and how far I've come.
In the past I have gotten black out drunk, run around half dressed just craving attention and someone to tell me what I can't tell myself--that I'm ok, that I'm enough, that I'm more than ok just being me.
This community at first confused me. I saw all the beautiful people and their bodies and I thought "I have so much work to do." I was envious, I compared, I judged. And now as I really try to live by my values and PLUR I realize that's not what it's about at all, it's about appreciating who they are, their uniqueness, and what they have to offer the world--and what I do too.
I have not seen my life as one to enjoy. Rather one to survive. Using my ED to cope.
Always striving to be skinnier, smarter, prettier or more popular in order to feel ok and safe.
I was never in the moment, I was somewhere in my head.
And this weekend I cannot wait to be submerged into a world where it's all about being in the now.
I should say I've got A&B in my ears right now so I'm really just vibing.
EDM has allowed me to "make love where there was none." Ah.
I am so excited to experience Paradiso in recovery and in turn get to experience and know myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment