We're All We Need - Group Therapy - Alone In My Room

Sitting doesn't suit me.
The thought of being alone with me is unpleasant. Unbearable.
Alone with me meaning with my thoughts.
I must keep distracting myself.

I've gone through enough thousands of dollars and months in treatment to know the aggressive anger I have towards my thighs is just protecting me from something greater. My eating disorder is just protecting me from feeling other feelings like loneliness. It's just making it worse though. Now I feel like a fat loner rather than just one or the other.

I don't really know what I want to say. I want to have a profound point. A realization. A tip for life that I can share with all of you to help you through life but I've got nothing. I just want to talk. I want to connect.

Above & Beyond seem to have a knack for that. That's who I'm listening to now. Make that crying to. I shake my head in the mirror crying / laughing to myself as I go through some group therapy to their newest release We're All We Need. How do they do it? Damnit.

Zoe Johnston sings to seemingly me and for only me.

Hurry hurry let's go.

I want to run. I want to escape. This uncomfortability (not a word) that is now my home.
The unfamiliar streets, routine, suburbia, friendless town. But even more I want to escape myself. Constant theme to my blogs. Not being able to sit with what I've done, who I am, what I'm experiencing in that moment.

We're all we need. Oh darling.

Beat builds. Drops. And so does my emotion. I slump to the ground, grab at the carpet--I need something to get this energy out of me--it's like there's so much in me but I don't have the energy or understanding to show it. I can't tell if I want to cry, laugh or be mad.

Cause we're wise with the feeling we're all we need. 

Oh ya. My emotions are ok. Not being ok is ok. The more I reach out and ask for help rather than isolate in shame wanting everyone to think I'm ok the more I learn there's nothing to be ashamed of. The more I re familiarize myself with these simple lyrics from A&B the more I remember how I'm not alone.

Again no real point to this one besides to let you guys know I have emotions. I can't make sense of them but I'm trying to cope with them without addiction.